Have I Raised a Quitter?

I was so excited to be a football mom. I didn't realize how much I wanted it until D quit. I was devastated. I cried. I wept. I mourned. 

I wanted to see him play. I wanted to see him work and improve at the game. I wanted him to improve his grades because he wanted to play on the team. I wanted him to believe in himself and see success. I wanted to see him motivated. I wanted him to see the support of his friends and family. I wanted to be proud of his achievements. I wanted something to brag about. I wanted him to want something I could understand. I wanted him to be a different kid. 

That's a hard thing to admit. I don't want a kid that is into video games and YouTube videos. I want a kid that reads Lord of the Rings and watches Sci-fi movies, one who makes up stories and writes and draws. I want a kid that I can understand. 

Have I raised a quitter?

Another big issue for me with this whole quitting thing was that I did not want him to be a quitter. I took the whole thing very personally.

Having older children changes your whole mindset. When you have a toddler who pushes another kid down on the playground you don’t immediately think “My kid is going to be a criminal when he grows up!” At that point you still have time, and you can look at your toddler and know he simply has a lot of growing up to do. But once your kid is almost as tall as you it’s harder not to catastrophize. You can hear the time bomb ticking. Your time as a parent is running out.

I was watching the ABC show Black-ish on demand the other day. Their younger son, Jack, was playing on a new basketball team and he wasn’t very good. The mom, Bow, and dad, Dre, were talking about how awful he was. Bow wanted her son to quit. Dre was appalled by the idea and argued that he didn’t raise a quitter. Dre’s mom, Ruby, interrupted and said “Well I did, and you’re doing it wrong.” When Dre argues with his mom she states her case in a flashback where Dre stomps into his living room and yells “I quit!” while throwing down a football helmet (** sniff sniff **) and then a tuba and a baseball glove and a bunch of other stuff.

Ruby’s point was this- if she hadn’t let him quit all those things he sucked at, he never would have found something he was good at. This episode was just what I needed to hear at just the time I needed to hear it.

I was so hurt when D quit football. I finally realized that I wanted it more than he did. I told him that one day he would find something he loves, and something he wants to work hard at, and something he doesn’t want to quit. Football was not that something.

I never thought of myself as one of those parents that lives vicariously through their kids. But that’s exactly how I was acting. Just like Dre from Black-ish I wanted my son to stick with it and not quit, even though I quit everything I tried as a kid. I took violin lessons, piano lessons, and guitar lessons. I can’t play any of them. I never wanted to practice. I didn’t want it bad enough to practice. I guess now I wish someone had made me practice and to not quit, because unlike Dre I’m 33 and I still haven’t found the thing I love.

Maybe I should try (and quit) more things.

Loneliness is Just the Start

"You seem embarrassed by loneliness, 

by being alone. 

It's only a place to start."

I was home alone watching the 1995 version of Sabrina when one of the characters quietly spoke this line. I stopped the movie, rewound it, and wrote down the quote word for word. 

I mentioned in my post Making Mommy Friends that I was a member of several friend finding websites. I described it as embarrassing and shameful and sad. I still feel that way sometimes. And sometimes I am proud of myself for admitting I'm unhappy with something in my life and working to make it better.

I just read Frientimacy by Shasta Nelson. She's the lady that started the GFC website. I really loved the book. I was excited to write this post when I'd only finished 25% of it. I recommend the book for anyone wondering why they still feel so alone even though they know a bunch of people, or have a bunch of friends.

Shasta says in her book,

". . . the sensation of loneliness is simply information that you are ready to feel more connected to others."

In other words, "It's only a place to start."

I've been lonely off and on my whole life. It really seems like the feeling has grown in the last few years. And the last few years of my life have been the best years of my life. I truly agree that the sensation of loneliness that's been escalating for me the past few years is an indicator light letting me know I'm ready to feel more connected to others. I've grown enough to let more people into my heart. I'm at least satisfied with myself as a person that I can say I'd like to be a good friend.

Shasta reminds me of those counselors I mentioned when talking about Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. She points out things we can do to ruin a baby friendship. Things I've done. Things I've experienced other people doing. Things that completely turned me off to that person and I thought I was crazy or being too picky. She is like that counselor that lets me know, "Hey! That's normal." It's neat to know where problems can crop up and why. Now that I know why I respond to some things one way and I can choose to respond a different way.

I felt empowered while reading this book, and then slightly let down when I finished. Despite the chapter called "Obstacle to Intimacy #1: Doubting Our Self-Worth Or: The Fear We're Not Good Enough" I walked away from this book feeling . . . well, feeling I wasn't good enough. Making friends, and keeping friends, and deepening friendships is HARD WORK. I don't know if I'm up to it. 

I love learning and growing. A big part of that process is discovering areas I'm lacking. I know that and it's getting easier the more I learn. But it's still a cold bucket of water to the face. 

I've started reading "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone. I've realized that pretty much every conversation is difficult for me, every conversation of substance. I can't increase my level of "frientimacy" without some honest intimate conversations.

I press on toward the goal . . .

Creative Parenting

Some of my greatest Mommy accomplishments have come when I used creative solutions to difficult problems.

One specific incident that comes to mind. It was a beautiful Colorado summer day. We owned a townhouse and the complex was full of families with young children. Our parking lot was not a through-way formed a circle. It was the perfect track for young bicycle riders and the like. 

My oldest was outside riding with about 15 other kids. The fun soon turned to tears when he got into a fight with an older neighbor boy. He wanted to ride the kid's bicycle but it was obviously too big for him to handle, and it didn't have training wheels. He threw a fit. He was so upset. I was worried about his safety on such a big bike that he obviously couldn't control. I got an idea! What if I took the training wheels off his bike? I did just that. I showed him what I was doing and he seemed to like the idea. He was anxious for me to finish so he could try it out. 

When the training wheels were off, I took him to the smaller parking lot in the back away from where the other kids were. It wasn't exactly how it happens on television. He pretty much told me "Leave me alone, I've got this." and took off. We practiced getting started on his own a couple of times and he was good to go. He rode around the building and when the other kids saw him they cheered and congratulated him. He was three years old and riding a bicycle with no training wheels.

It was a magical day. Another little girl (still older than he was) learned to ride with no training wheels that day too. Who would have thought to take the training wheels off a three year old's bike to stop a melt down? I wish moments like that came more often. Where is my brilliant idea on how to get him to take all the dirty dishes out of his room, do his homework, or choose to play outside instead of video games? It's like I'm always guessing at what he wants, and on rare days like that day with the bicycle I actually get it right. Now that he's a teenager, I'm pretty much always wrong. But I still have my "three year old son riding a bicycle without training wheels" moment.

Time flies

I can’t believe my oldest is already 162 months old. Time really does fly. Doesn’t it?

He will be starting high school in the fall. High school!

We went to freshman orientation night a while back and the mom in charge of the PTCO gave a welcome speech. Her advice? Enjoy every minute, because it will be over before you know it.

At the time I resented her speech and her tears. That night was hard enough without her emotional outburst. The school is so big! He looks so small! There are so many more kids! There are so many choices! The “kids” look like adults! I’m excited, nervous, and outright scared for him.

Nevertheless I’ve thought about how time flies a lot recently. Do you ever have a reoccurring theme keep popping up in your life? If you haven’t, you probably aren’t paying enough attention. I think the universe tends to hit us over the head with important concepts we need to learn until we actually learn them.

I was having a conversation with a friend last week about our mothers. She disclosed to me that her mother would tell her and her siblings how much they ruined her life. I could definitely relate. My mother never came out and said those words, but I always felt that I was holding her back. I felt like a burden. My friend said it best, “Some of these mothers... what was going on with them? It didn't all turn out like they had planned, but once it's happened, wouldn't it make more sense to, I don't know? Make the best of it? Try to have some fun.”  

I know I’ve been guilty of not enjoying motherhood as much as I could. In the beginning I mourned the life I didn’t have. In the middle I struggled to provide things like food and shelter and I rarely took the time to enjoy where I was. Lately, I’ve been worried about the future instead of enjoying the present.

That crying PTCO lady was right. It all goes by so fast. So, why not make the best of it? Try to have some fun. 

Yesterday

How Much Am I Willing to Pay for Friendship

I'm trying to make new friends. I've mentioned this before in my post Making Mommy Friends. I've met a nice group of women from one of those sites actually. It has been nice to have the girl-time. Especially since I live with so many males.

The Girlfriendcircles site, or the GFC, has a friendship blog that gets delivered to my inbox. I've enjoyed a couple of them. That's enough to keep me as a subscriber . . . for now.

This post How Much Do You Really Want Good Friends is one that caught my attention. I didn't even read the whole thing and it got me thinking. This making friendships thing is hard. Getting to know new people is a lot of work. Active listening and showing interest in things that have never interested me before requires a lot of concentration. 

How much am I willing to pay for friendship?

It costs my time. It costs my energy. It costs my comfort. 

How much do I really want this?

There have been times where I thought, "This is just too much. I don't want to do all this. This should be easier." 

Shasta's blog referenced another blog by Mark Manson called The Most Important Question of Your Life. Again I just skimmed this article (who has time to read a WHOLE blog post? Although as the author of this one I can only hope you read every word of mine.) The main idea is the question is "What pain do you want to sustain?" This extends past the idea of what we're willing to sacrifce for friendship but also for life.

It reminds me of some religious Christian book I read years ago about how as humans we must be a slave to something. You are either a slave to your toothbrush or a slave to cavities. You're a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. Manson uses the example of wanting to be a rock star but not wanting to do the work. He sums it up by saying:

But the truth is far less interesting than that: I thought I wanted something, but it turns out I didn’t. End of story.I wanted the reward and not the struggle. I wanted the result and not the process. I was in love not with the fight but only the victory. And life doesn’t work that way. 

This completely makes sense to me. In the past I've been pretty hard on myself for quitting or failing to do something. I wanted it so bad, but I didn't follow it through to the end. I didn't complete it. It turns out it was only something I thought I wanted, but I didn't. End of story. On to the next thing. 

His last quote also reminds me of my grandmother, Anne Braden. She spent her whole life fighting for human rights. I believe she wanted the result- equality for everyone, but she probably realized it wouldn't happen in her lifetime. She wouldn't live to see it but that didn't stop her. She loved the fight. She lived for the struggle.

How much and for how long am I willing to suffer for what I want? It is a question that really makes me think. It makes me whittle down my wants and sift my priorities. 

I want my life to be filled with happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. I think that's more important than what I do for a living or how much I make. I'm willing to pay in time, tears, and training.  

MoneySchool Lesson 7

Who knows how I find these things. It's one of the great mysteries of the internet. Somehow I stumbled upon the Money Under 30 website. I signed up for their newsletter and received free "MoneySchool" lessons in my inbox. I know enough about affiliate marketing to know they are making money off of their free advice whenever I click on something, but I've picked up a few tidbits here and there.

I found and fell in love with mint. It's an app that lets you keep all your money stuff in one place. It's great for tracking your spending and budgeting and just really being aware of your finances. I love money. I love being frugal. I love spending. I think I'm already pretty savvy about money, but I also love to learn new things, and would never want to think I know it all.

Lesson 7 is about habits that millionaires have that the rest of us don't. Who knows where they get this stuff. The author, David Weliver, doesn't exactly site his sources. But it inspired me at any rate, and I just wanted to share what I learned.

1. Millionaires read at least one nonfiction book a month. 

Oh my god! That's me! Where's my million!?

I love learning new things. I was so disappointed when I stopped going to school to focus on raising my children. I know it was the right decision. I also know I am happiest when I am learning new things. Lately I've been learning about raising children. I like the way Weliver describes it as "investing in yourself." I've heard how a college education is an investment in your future, and just always accepted it as fact without really thinking about what that actually means. I think your brain is your biggest commodity. I want to be a lifelong learner, and if that's a mark of a wealthy person- well, that just the icing on the cake.

2. Millionaires talk about ideas, not problems. 

This is a new one for me. It's like I was searching in the dark with a flashlight and someone just pointed a huge spotlight at the answer. I've been slightly obsessed with the idea of negotiating lately. I love the idea of no-lose solutions. I've always had a winner/loser mentality. Someone wins. Someone loses. I love to win. Sometimes I feel like I'm always losing. Sometimes I feel like a victim. Sometimes I win and it makes me feel crappy because someone lost for me to win. "Millionaires talk about ideas, not problems" was the missing piece of the puzzle for me. Sometimes I ruminate on a problem. I stew on how awful it is and how miserable I am. I usually arrive at the problem solving stage where I start thinking of solutions, but sometimes it takes me a long time to get there. I would like to remember in the future to skip all the wallowing. I want to acknowledge the thing I don't want and then immediately skip to thinking about what I do want. I learned some of that in the book Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting. 

"Life was meant to be, 

"Don't like that, 

do like that."   

I have to acknowledge the thing I don't like. Don't likes are a part of life. They will happen. But what do I like? What would be the perfect solution or end scene of this problem? I'd like to spend more of my time thinking on that part.

I think that was another reason I didn't like the book Boys Adrift. It offered a reason for all the problems, but had very little focus on solutions.

3. Millionaires live outside the comfort zone.

Eh. That's a hard one for me. I'm comfortable in my comfort zone.

When I quit school it was to take care of my children. I felt like they were running amok and floating adrift. I decided the thing I needed to focus on in my life was my children and our relationship. This was surprisingly uncomfortable for me. I'm not good at relationships. It doesn't matter that they are my children. Talking about feelings is hard. Fighting and arguing and working things out is hard. Showing an interest in a subject you don't care about is hard. Dealing with other people's emotions is really really hard. I'm doing it. Some days are harder than others. Some days I'm too emotional to be rational. 

My oldest and I went paintballing for the first time last week. It was scary. It was uncomfortable. It was amazing. As we were leaving the field in the middle of nowhere, I was so psyched! It was exhilarating! We conquered our fear and it was amazing! What should we do next? Bungee jumping? Skydiving? Getting out of my comfort zone rewarded me with the best high, and great memories of my son and I having fun together laughing and talking. That's worth more than a million dollars.

The Power of a Mother's Love Inspirational Video

I found this on stumbleupon.com (a really distracting website when you're bored). I think I just needed to see this today. Yay, Monday.

Motivate Your Son

So, I finished this little book in about a day.

I paid $2.10 for it. I got my money’s worth. I guess.

The parenting books I’ve read lately all have a similar theme. That makes sense when I think about it. At some point I read a book that was very different from the Christian based be-God-in-your-house type books and I fell in love with the ideas that were so different from what I’d always heard, and so I sought out books that there similar in nature.

The general idea is to allow your child to make as many decisions himself as you can. Your job as a parent is one of mentor or coach. You give your opinions, provide support, and give your guidance. You do all this while avoiding all the roadblocks to communication and building a good relationship between parent and child. You are trying to mold your child into an honest to God good person. You want your child to do the right thing when no one is watching. You want him to do well because he is internally motivated to do well.

I’ve found it’s extremely hard to motivate my oldest son. I know I keep trying the same old things and they are not working. I thought this book sounded like exactly what I needed. New ideas to try.

I know I like to write these book reviews. I don’t know if it’s actually so much of a review as a way to record my thoughts on all these books I read and sort out my thoughts and feelings on what I’ve learned. And then maybe one day success stories on what actually worked. 

I usually read a few reviews before a buy a new book. One of the reviews I read for this book bashed it for seeming to promote Daryle Capuano’s program The Learning Consultants. I admit I was a bit tainted by that review. He does talk about his business A LOT. I couldn’t help but feeling that he was holding back information. I got the feeling that if I somehow paid for an expensive program I would get the whole picture. But in his defense The Learning Consultants logo is right there on the front cover. I don’t think he’s hiding his agenda. And his website does offer free advice. 

That being said Motivate Your Son earned a lot of highlighting. There are a lot of little nuggets of viable sounding ideas, and simple truths. Truth: Our schools are failing our boys. Lightbulb moment for me: I am the Chief Education Officer for my kids. (Oh, great! Another title to add to my collection)

He puts boys into different generic categories. I think my oldest boy is an Adventure Boy- he doesn’t want to do anything that is boring, or a Boss Boy- he doesn’t want to do anything he’s told to do. (This was another reason I finished this book so quickly. I skipped the chapters that were obviously not my boys.) 

From what I gathered, the solution is to motivate boys with a vision of the future they will actually enjoy. Delayed gratification. It’s hard for everyone, I think. Some people find it easier to wait than others.

I’m glad I started writing down my thoughts on all these books I’ve been reading. Immediately after reading some of these books I get discouraged. “That book didn’t have THE answer.” But actually having to write out what I learned from the book makes me think. I know there isn’t actually a ONE answer out there. All kids, all people, are different. I have to find what will work with our individual family, and my individual kids. Even the books I’ve read that I immediately felt were a waste of time have taught me something. Sometimes that means what NOT to do, but it has all been worth my time.

Another thing this book led me to was the Enneagram test. I had never heard of it before. Here’s a free version if you want to try it:

http://similarminds.com/test.html

I wasn’t shocked to find that I scored “very unhealthy.”

If I’ve learned anything from all my parenting books it’s

1)   You have to change yourself if you want to change your kid
2)   Unhealthy parents teach unhealthy habits
3)   Raising children means raising myself

That all sounds like a post for another time.

The Negotiator

I’ve read a lot of parenting books. The new and better way in dealing with conflicts with your kids is negotiating. I wish I had known that sooner.

When my kids were little they were born negotiators. I vividly remember telling my oldest to do something and he replied, “How ‘bout dis?” like a little car salesman trying to close a deal. I was so appalled and angry! How dare he try to negotiate with me! Doesn’t he know who I am?! When I say jump- he should jump! Little did I know, this was a skill we would both need to know how to master as he got older.

It’s all about keeping the end goal in mind. How do I want him to interact with other humans when he’s an adult? I want him to negotiate. I want him to compromise. I want him to speak up for himself when he needs something, and respectfully listen when other people need something from him. I want him to be able to compromise with others while also making sure his needs are met. I don’t want him to cower before someone more powerful, become a martyr or victim in life. I don’t want him to be a bully, always expecting to get his way.

I never learned this negotiation skill myself. So now I’m learning what I’m trying to teach. It’s the blind leading the blind over here. And my kids seem to have lost their will to negotiate. My theory is they already have everything they want so they have no need to negotiate.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ambp8_locked-in-the-bathroom-from-the-negotiator-1998_shortfilms

Remember this scene from The Negotiator? I love how Kevin Spacey’s character describes his own inadequacy in negotiating with his daughter and wife when this is what he does for a living. It is harder to deal with your loved ones than with other people. You’re invested. You’re emotionally involved. It’s hard to remain objective when you’re so close. As a negotiator he’s been trained to deal with people being difficult in difficult situations.

As a psychiatrist, Michael Bradley is trained to deal with teenagers but often recalls in his book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! problems he had dealing with his own teenager at home. That was another reason I enjoyed that book so much. He was so open about his own shortcomings. It made me feel better, as an amateur, to know a professional in child psychology was struggling. He also brings up the fact that when parents talk to children there is all this old baggage and scars from old fights. When there is a power struggle between two people it is harder to come to an agreement.

You live and you learn. I wish I had negotiated more with my kids when they were little. I also wish I had made them do more then they were little. Back then "Because I said so!" may have worked more often. It works a lot less when your kid is bigger and stronger and maybe even smarter than you. Back then I could've built more routines and expectations in their little heads so that now it would just be the way things are- it would be routine. 

Oh well. Shoulda coulda woulda. We are here in Adolescentland now. I remember my oldest saying to me a few years ago, "You keep trying to change things! I don't want to change, and I'm not going to!" I get it, kid. Change is hard. Change takes time. Doing things a new way is awkward and uncomfortable. I press on and believe all the pain and discomfort will be worth it in the end.

X Ambassadors - Unsteady

Song lyrics can mean different things to different people. This song reminds me of my 13 year old son. Adolescence is a difficult time for everyone involved. 

Mama, come here
Approach, appear

This line really speaks to me because I feel in my heart that my son wants me to keep reaching out even when he keeps pulling away.

Daddy, I'm alone
'Cause this house don't feel like home

Our house sometimes becomes a battle ground of conflicting wants and needs. The tension is often palpable and we all start to wonder if our house will ever be happy again. 

If you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

I am reminded by these lines to never give up even when it's a fight. Parents who give up have kids that think they are not loved. I may not do everything right, or much of anything right sometimes, but I believe if I keep trying and not let him go, eventually he will see how much I love him.
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady

Teenagers are all a little unsteady. Some might even say teenagers are crazy. But if we hold on as parents WE become the stability they cannot provide for themselves. 

Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone

I miss my sweet angel of a son. I still catch glimpses every once in a while. I miss having an easy relationship. I miss the fun in all the strife. I hang to the belief that "This too shall pass." We will both get through this time period. And hopefully we will both grow and be better because of all the struggle.

Dad, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying

I feel like flying away 6 days out of the week! But I do keep trying. And I've come to the point where I'm trying new things instead of the same old things that have never worked in the past. I may not figure it out by the time he's an adult, but at least he has a little brother. I can be the perfect mom to him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjryf8zH_M

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy

I really loved this book. I think that’s probably one of the reasons I was so hard on Boys Adrift. I read Boys Adrift immediately after reading Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. They are very different books, and my expectations may have been a bit high.

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! had me at hello. I like the title and the tag line- "Loving your kid without losing your mind." How many times have I Googled "how to love your kid" thinking I was the worst mom in the world to even be asking such a thing? Answer: many many times. I relate to author Michael Bradley's flippant style of writing. It eases the tension of discussing difficult subjects. I tend to be sarcastic and flippant myself under stress. So, I could relate.

Bradley is a practicing therapist. I've been in therapy- a lot of therapy. My mom always enjoyed a good therapist, and I guess it’s genetic. I don't know if I've had more or less than the average person. My guess is more.

I’ve encountered two kinds of counselors.

The first kind totally gets me from the start. She knows exactly what's wrong with me, and how to guide me to my own solution. I've only had one that fits that description.

The second kind is the “that’s normal” therapist. I come to these people hoping they can fix whatever is terribly wrong in my life and all they can tell me is “that’s normal.” Well, if it’s so normal then why do I feel so crappy? Does everyone feel as crappy as me? They all look happy enough. I start to think going to this therapist is a waste of time if there’s nothing wrong with me, and I stop going.

In a weird way it kind of works. A lot of my “mental health” problems are due to bad thinking. I tend to catastrophize everything in my life. Having someone tell me it’s normal or just listening and not freaking out about what I think is a disaster is strangely comforting. Although at the time it feels like they’ve wasted my time and money.

In a way, that’s the main idea of this book. Don’t freak out on your teenager. Keep calm in the face of crazy and the crazy will dissipate.

If you haven’t guessed it by now Bradley’s therapy style is the latter. I felt awesomely normal after reading his book, incredibly okay. It was like this book was written for me.

I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore.

My best friends don’t have kids at all. My good friends are older women who beat their children when they were younger. Bradley addresses this change in society’s norms. “We took away a primary parenting tool (hitting) and then told parents to raise their kids in a crazy out-of-control world.” He compares it to telling soldiers overseas to continue keeping the peace, but taking away their guns.

I’ve never been a fan of corporal punishment. I just don’t have it in me. Seeing my brother whipped as a toddler ruined that whole thing for me. It’s true that American society has turned away from spanking children, but left parents unequipped and unskilled as to what to do instead. This book offers the why and the how parenting is different today. He gives practical advice on how to parent today’s teen. I was surprised it was published over ten years ago. Unlike some of the parenting books I’ve read that talk about CD-ROMs and the like, I never felt this book was out of date. And while he repeatedly states that teenagers are crazy, he also points out warning signs of real mental illness, helping parents distinguish between the normal crazy and get-help-immediately crazy.

This is a book I will be coming back to again and again.

Merry Mommyhood #1

My oldest son picked up this trophy for me from the school holiday shop as a present for Christmas. One day while I was cleaning my room I stumbled across it and showed it off to my youngest son. He was about 8 at the time.

"You're the World's Best Mom? . . . I'm surprised."

A trip to the past

When I was expecting my first son his father came with me to every single doctor’s appointment. When I was expecting our second son he did not come to one appointment. Not one. I told him I didn’t want him in the room when our son came into the world since he couldn’t be bothered to come to any of the appointments before he was born. He shrugged and abided by my vindictive wishes.

What happened between boy one and boy two? Did he simply get bored? Was it like watching a WWE rerun? “I’ve already see this one. I know how it ends.”

It hurt my feelings. What could possibly be more important in your life than seeing the first ultrasound, the first picture of your son? How will you treat him after he’s born? And I guess I’m not very important to you if you can’t go to lend me support.

Another memory that bubbled to the surface as I was thinking about all this stuff. When he did come to the appointments for our first son he would be sleepy, look bored, distracted, high, or smelly. I felt like I was forcing him to be there. Maybe with the second one I was tired of nagging him to go to our appointments. Maybe by then I had already started to give up.

I was still a young mom. I was 22 and having my second kid. I was scared. I was alone. I was angry he made me feel scared and alone. I began to resent him for not helping me. I started hating him for making my life harder. I figured it would be easier if he wasn’t around at all.

In some ways I was right. I imagine it’s like living alone. I’ve never lived by myself. But I imagine when you live alone there is no one to blame for the clutter on the coffee table or the dishes in the sink. Being a single mom is hard, but when have dysfunctions in our household there is no one to blame but myself. There is none of the “I asked dad and he said…” But there is also no one to tag when I feel like tapping out. It’s difficult. Living with someone I resented, even hated sometimes, was difficult too, and emotionally draining.

I asked their father about all this OBGYN appointment business yesterday. Memories can be faulty and it was over ten years ago.

It makes me sad and tired. The way I remember our whole marriage is that I made more money than he ever did. We could have afforded a few missed shifts at Fuddruckers. And he did ask how they went. 

I can let it go now.

Dummy-dummy Daddy

I coined the phrase (I think) of “dummy-dummy.” I was talking to my kids about their dad and it popped out of my mouth.

We had to take co-parenting classes as part of our divorce. I thought it was great. I thought it would be incredibly helpful. I still think it helped me a lot. I don’t think it improved him at all.

I learned in class, and in my reading of multiple self-help books, how damaging it can be for children to have their parents talk shit about each other. I admit I failed on multiple occasions at the beginning, but I finally came around . . . mostly.

The truth is my kids still love their dad. I long for the day when they realize what a loser he is, but it just makes me look bad to point it out. Right? They are smart boys. They will figure it out eventually.

So, dummy-dummy is the closest I’ve come to using all the expletives I would like to use to describe their father. It has a cutesy sound to it. And I believe my kids instinctively know how much I hate their father and how ignorant I think he is without me having to say anything at all. And any time I do say anything derogatory about him, my boys will defend him to the death. They love their video game playing ambition-less boy-man dad.

The other day he came to my house and had the nerve to scold me for allowing our 13 year old black son to buy an air soft gun.

“How could you let a young black man buy a fake gun? Do you want him to get shot by the police?”

“Don’t judge me.” I said. “Being a single mom is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”

He became indignant at my reply, and decided to lash out at me and my boyfriend who lives with me. “Oh you’re a single mom, right? I guess I should go tell your roommate goodbye then. Since that’s all he is, just your roommate, and you’re raising these children by yourself.”  

Whaaa?!

What does my live-in boyfriend have to do with me being a single mom? Why would you even mention him and not get upset with the fact that I basically just said YOU were worthless? What a dummy-dummy.

I feel like I’m the only one raising these boys. I’ve known moms that do the 4 days on 3 days off this week and 3 days on 4 days off next week thing with their ex-husbands. (Ok, so I’ve only known one mom that does that.) Maybe that works out to more of a 50/50. I don’t know. But for me, in my situation, I’m the only one raising my children. Their dad is a fun distraction on the weekends, some weekends. My boyfriend is around for my pleasure and not involved in the childrearing. And as frustrating as that part is for me, from everything I’ve read in my beloved self-help books- that’s the way it’s supposed to be. The step parent’s job is to support their mate, and not to raise the kids.

To make matters worse, I wouldn’t want my ex-husband to have any say in how my children are raised. He’s a big man-child himself. I don’t want that life for my boys. I want something better than video games and weed.

If you want something done, then do it yourself. Yeah it’s hard, and I feel I have every right to complain. But if I don’t do it then who will? The alternatives are dismal at best. More than half the time I feel like a failure. But I have to believe that I’m at least better than their dummy-dummy father.

Boys Adrift

So, I just finished this book. 

Man am I depressed. 

The whole thing was a big bummer. I had this impression that Dr. Sax would spend the first half of the book explaining "the five factors driving the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men" to me and then in the second half of the book he would GIVE ME THE SOLUTION! Nope.

He even ends the book with "I'm encouraged. We don't have all the answers. Far from it. But I think we're at least asking the right questions." (218)

Well, I'm glad you're encouraged, Dr. Sax. I want to go eat a pint of ice cream.

My basic takeaways from this book were as follows:

Problem One- the schools

Get your son into an all-boys school if you want them to do well academically. Great idea! I can see the appeal of having my son free from the distraction of girls and being around boys that value all kinds of subjects and not just the “boy” subjects. I like the idea of having more competition in school. My son likes to win, and I’ve never been a fan of participation medals. You’ve convinced me. I’m in! There is a local Jesuit High School near my home that has a boys division and a girls division so the sexes learn separately. But wait- it’s $14,625 a year! How am I going to afford that? At least I’m asking the right question.

Problem Two- Video Games

My son is persistent when he really wants something. He’s worn me down in this arena. Actually I’m not even in the arena any more. I’m in line at the concession stand for more Dippin’ Dots. He slowly wore down my resolve on the “M for Mature” games. “I’m not stupid, Mom. I know it’s not real.” Oh, ok. What’s the harm then? Well the biggest harm according to Dr. Sax is that video games give boys a false sense of accomplishment. He gets to be a millionaire in Grand Theft Auto with no years of going to boring school or getting a boring job. That sounds great to me, too! (That reminds me I need to buy some more lottery tickets. I was SO close last time. Practice makes perfect!)

Okay you’ve convinced me again Dr. Sax. My son should not waste away his days on video games. So, what should I offer as a substitute? Skeet shooting? I remember him saying something about skeet shooting. At least now I’m asking the right question. (And actually no sarcasm on that point. This part really did challenge me to think of alternative- maybe even OUTDOOR activities to offer my son in place of video games. The problem here for me is video games are relatively cheap. Signing up for sports ain’t. Video games also provide him a way to socialize. His friends are all video game kids, too. Getting kids to show up for a pickup game at the neighborhood park is a lot more challenging than inviting them to an X-box party. But I also love a good challenge.)

Problem Three – ADHD Medications

This was another bummer for me because we already tried medication when he started middle school (Mommy mistake number 5,687,693). I’m now 0 for 3 with this book. The ADHD period was awful. I remember him crying and asking me why I thought there was something wrong with him. My perfect baby boy thought I saw him as damaged and something that needed fixing. In the end the medicine stopped working and the doctors said to get him in to counseling. I agree with Dr. Sax on this point- If your son hasn’t shown signs of ADHD by age 7 then it’s not ADHD. It’s something else. What is it exactly? I don’t know, but at least we’re asking the right question.

Problem Four – Endocrine disruptors

This was the most depressing part of this whole book. There are environmental factors at play that are disrupting your son’s sperm count. Don’t let your boys drink out of plastic bottles because it makes them more feminine. I already did! It’s already happened! How much is that going to affect my kids and the rest of their lives? I don’t know, but at least I’m asking the right questions. (FREE PVC! No, wait. X that and reverse it.)

Problem Five – Something about gods. Basically men teach men how to be men.

So, I have two big problems with this. 1- I’m not a man. So, I can’t teach my sons how to be men. I know that. I’ve always known that. It frustrates me to no end for reason number 2- A good man is hard to find. Dr. Sax has spent this whole book talking about how men have quietly vanished from American society and how they have been replaced with boy-men. Somehow though, against all odds I’m supposed to find a good one and entrust my son’s impressionable brain and idea of what it means to be a man to this person. Where are all these real men who take time from their own lives to mentor father-less (or father-lite) boys?

Uhhhhhhhhggggg! SO many questions! SO few answers! Why did Dr. Sax do this to me?! I appreciate the questions. I do. I will be doing a many a Google search to find some answers that will work with my family specifically.

This blog post is a little longer than I usually prefer. But if I can save one person the doom and gloom reading this whole book (seriously, this all you need to know and in less than 1000 words) then my work here is done.

Making Mommy Friends

I have a bad habit of holding grudges. I know this already. Don’t judge me.

When I was a kid my pastor accused my mom of being a prostitute. I haven’t cared for the church since.

When I was a new mom I had a few bad experiences with other more experienced moms. This one lady I considered a friend came to my housewarming party. “It’s really clean. I’m surprised.” 

This other woman on a women’s retreat with the church told me maybe I wouldn’t have stretch marks if I lost my baby weight. I had lost my baby weight. Thanks, lady.

I remember sitting silently at Jason’s Deli with a group of women I had hoped would become bosom buddies. They were all commiserating about how hard it was for them to get pregnant. One of the ladies failed at fertility and adopted a baby from some country in Asia, and was complaining about the whole thing. I felt guilt. I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant. Sucks for me. Sucks for them. I kept my mouth shut.

The parents at my kids’ elementary school were all weird, too. The dad who casually informed me one cold morning that it was a little chilly for his willy immediately comes to mind. 

I just never seemed to find anyone I had something in common with. I had my first son when I was 19. Where were all these teenage moms you hear about all the time? All the moms at my kids’ school were old. And they were all stay at home moms who knit. I was working a graveyard shift and going through a divorce and bankruptcy.

Now that I think about it- maybe all the moms my age where never at any school functions where we could meet and become best friends forever because they were working and divorcing and bankrupting.

Long story short- I’m lonely now. I miss having friends. I’m trying to actively meet new friends. I’ve even joined a few websites to meet other women looking for friendship.

  

Yes. The sites are real.

On the one hand it’s kind of embarrassing and shameful. On the other hand it’s kind of brave and strong and I’m doing something about my loneliness instead of just complaining about it. On the other hand it’s kind of embarrassing and sad.

I’ve been using the internet in many ways to try to make friends. It mostly hasn’t panned out. One thing I’ve found is that a lot of the women looking for friends are “single- by choice” and “no kids- by choice.” Well no wonder you're lonely! Single by choice? I’ve had a boyfriend since I was 15. Yes, I’m one of those girls that can’t stand to be alone. Choosing to be alone makes no sense to me- I can’t relate to that choice. No kids by choice? There’s never an option on these sites for “has kids- not by choice.” I joke, I joke. Kind of. I have kids and I'm confident they would hunt me down if I ever tried to leave. So, I really have no choice.  

It makes me think I’m the only mom in the world who has no friends. Once again I’m starting behind the eight ball. I should have made mommy friends when it was easier to do. There are a ton of play-groups for babies and toddlers who could probably care less who they are playing with. I can only assume it's an excuse for the moms to make friends. I can only assume because I never participated in such things because moms were weird to my young-20-something self. And now there is so such thing as a mom-of-13-year-old play group. 

Making friends as a grown-up is hard enough. It's even harder when it seems like everyone looking for a friend is single by choice and childless by choice. I won't give up the search though. 

Single mom of two adolescent boys seeks mom with similar interests who likes to drink, doesn't actually have time for interests or hobbies or friends but still wants hobbies and interests and friends, and who is a crappy mom. I don't mean like really crappy but maybe like a 7 on a scale of 10. Perfect moms and meth-head moms need not apply.