Time flies

I can’t believe my oldest is already 162 months old. Time really does fly. Doesn’t it?

He will be starting high school in the fall. High school!

We went to freshman orientation night a while back and the mom in charge of the PTCO gave a welcome speech. Her advice? Enjoy every minute, because it will be over before you know it.

At the time I resented her speech and her tears. That night was hard enough without her emotional outburst. The school is so big! He looks so small! There are so many more kids! There are so many choices! The “kids” look like adults! I’m excited, nervous, and outright scared for him.

Nevertheless I’ve thought about how time flies a lot recently. Do you ever have a reoccurring theme keep popping up in your life? If you haven’t, you probably aren’t paying enough attention. I think the universe tends to hit us over the head with important concepts we need to learn until we actually learn them.

I was having a conversation with a friend last week about our mothers. She disclosed to me that her mother would tell her and her siblings how much they ruined her life. I could definitely relate. My mother never came out and said those words, but I always felt that I was holding her back. I felt like a burden. My friend said it best, “Some of these mothers... what was going on with them? It didn't all turn out like they had planned, but once it's happened, wouldn't it make more sense to, I don't know? Make the best of it? Try to have some fun.”  

I know I’ve been guilty of not enjoying motherhood as much as I could. In the beginning I mourned the life I didn’t have. In the middle I struggled to provide things like food and shelter and I rarely took the time to enjoy where I was. Lately, I’ve been worried about the future instead of enjoying the present.

That crying PTCO lady was right. It all goes by so fast. So, why not make the best of it? Try to have some fun. 

Yesterday

X Ambassadors - Unsteady

Song lyrics can mean different things to different people. This song reminds me of my 13 year old son. Adolescence is a difficult time for everyone involved. 

Mama, come here
Approach, appear

This line really speaks to me because I feel in my heart that my son wants me to keep reaching out even when he keeps pulling away.

Daddy, I'm alone
'Cause this house don't feel like home

Our house sometimes becomes a battle ground of conflicting wants and needs. The tension is often palpable and we all start to wonder if our house will ever be happy again. 

If you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

I am reminded by these lines to never give up even when it's a fight. Parents who give up have kids that think they are not loved. I may not do everything right, or much of anything right sometimes, but I believe if I keep trying and not let him go, eventually he will see how much I love him.
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady

Teenagers are all a little unsteady. Some might even say teenagers are crazy. But if we hold on as parents WE become the stability they cannot provide for themselves. 

Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone

I miss my sweet angel of a son. I still catch glimpses every once in a while. I miss having an easy relationship. I miss the fun in all the strife. I hang to the belief that "This too shall pass." We will both get through this time period. And hopefully we will both grow and be better because of all the struggle.

Dad, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying

I feel like flying away 6 days out of the week! But I do keep trying. And I've come to the point where I'm trying new things instead of the same old things that have never worked in the past. I may not figure it out by the time he's an adult, but at least he has a little brother. I can be the perfect mom to him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjryf8zH_M

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy

I really loved this book. I think that’s probably one of the reasons I was so hard on Boys Adrift. I read Boys Adrift immediately after reading Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. They are very different books, and my expectations may have been a bit high.

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! had me at hello. I like the title and the tag line- "Loving your kid without losing your mind." How many times have I Googled "how to love your kid" thinking I was the worst mom in the world to even be asking such a thing? Answer: many many times. I relate to author Michael Bradley's flippant style of writing. It eases the tension of discussing difficult subjects. I tend to be sarcastic and flippant myself under stress. So, I could relate.

Bradley is a practicing therapist. I've been in therapy- a lot of therapy. My mom always enjoyed a good therapist, and I guess it’s genetic. I don't know if I've had more or less than the average person. My guess is more.

I’ve encountered two kinds of counselors.

The first kind totally gets me from the start. She knows exactly what's wrong with me, and how to guide me to my own solution. I've only had one that fits that description.

The second kind is the “that’s normal” therapist. I come to these people hoping they can fix whatever is terribly wrong in my life and all they can tell me is “that’s normal.” Well, if it’s so normal then why do I feel so crappy? Does everyone feel as crappy as me? They all look happy enough. I start to think going to this therapist is a waste of time if there’s nothing wrong with me, and I stop going.

In a weird way it kind of works. A lot of my “mental health” problems are due to bad thinking. I tend to catastrophize everything in my life. Having someone tell me it’s normal or just listening and not freaking out about what I think is a disaster is strangely comforting. Although at the time it feels like they’ve wasted my time and money.

In a way, that’s the main idea of this book. Don’t freak out on your teenager. Keep calm in the face of crazy and the crazy will dissipate.

If you haven’t guessed it by now Bradley’s therapy style is the latter. I felt awesomely normal after reading his book, incredibly okay. It was like this book was written for me.

I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore.

My best friends don’t have kids at all. My good friends are older women who beat their children when they were younger. Bradley addresses this change in society’s norms. “We took away a primary parenting tool (hitting) and then told parents to raise their kids in a crazy out-of-control world.” He compares it to telling soldiers overseas to continue keeping the peace, but taking away their guns.

I’ve never been a fan of corporal punishment. I just don’t have it in me. Seeing my brother whipped as a toddler ruined that whole thing for me. It’s true that American society has turned away from spanking children, but left parents unequipped and unskilled as to what to do instead. This book offers the why and the how parenting is different today. He gives practical advice on how to parent today’s teen. I was surprised it was published over ten years ago. Unlike some of the parenting books I’ve read that talk about CD-ROMs and the like, I never felt this book was out of date. And while he repeatedly states that teenagers are crazy, he also points out warning signs of real mental illness, helping parents distinguish between the normal crazy and get-help-immediately crazy.

This is a book I will be coming back to again and again.