MoneySchool Lesson 7

Who knows how I find these things. It's one of the great mysteries of the internet. Somehow I stumbled upon the Money Under 30 website. I signed up for their newsletter and received free "MoneySchool" lessons in my inbox. I know enough about affiliate marketing to know they are making money off of their free advice whenever I click on something, but I've picked up a few tidbits here and there.

I found and fell in love with mint. It's an app that lets you keep all your money stuff in one place. It's great for tracking your spending and budgeting and just really being aware of your finances. I love money. I love being frugal. I love spending. I think I'm already pretty savvy about money, but I also love to learn new things, and would never want to think I know it all.

Lesson 7 is about habits that millionaires have that the rest of us don't. Who knows where they get this stuff. The author, David Weliver, doesn't exactly site his sources. But it inspired me at any rate, and I just wanted to share what I learned.

1. Millionaires read at least one nonfiction book a month. 

Oh my god! That's me! Where's my million!?

I love learning new things. I was so disappointed when I stopped going to school to focus on raising my children. I know it was the right decision. I also know I am happiest when I am learning new things. Lately I've been learning about raising children. I like the way Weliver describes it as "investing in yourself." I've heard how a college education is an investment in your future, and just always accepted it as fact without really thinking about what that actually means. I think your brain is your biggest commodity. I want to be a lifelong learner, and if that's a mark of a wealthy person- well, that just the icing on the cake.

2. Millionaires talk about ideas, not problems. 

This is a new one for me. It's like I was searching in the dark with a flashlight and someone just pointed a huge spotlight at the answer. I've been slightly obsessed with the idea of negotiating lately. I love the idea of no-lose solutions. I've always had a winner/loser mentality. Someone wins. Someone loses. I love to win. Sometimes I feel like I'm always losing. Sometimes I feel like a victim. Sometimes I win and it makes me feel crappy because someone lost for me to win. "Millionaires talk about ideas, not problems" was the missing piece of the puzzle for me. Sometimes I ruminate on a problem. I stew on how awful it is and how miserable I am. I usually arrive at the problem solving stage where I start thinking of solutions, but sometimes it takes me a long time to get there. I would like to remember in the future to skip all the wallowing. I want to acknowledge the thing I don't want and then immediately skip to thinking about what I do want. I learned some of that in the book Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting. 

"Life was meant to be, 

"Don't like that, 

do like that."   

I have to acknowledge the thing I don't like. Don't likes are a part of life. They will happen. But what do I like? What would be the perfect solution or end scene of this problem? I'd like to spend more of my time thinking on that part.

I think that was another reason I didn't like the book Boys Adrift. It offered a reason for all the problems, but had very little focus on solutions.

3. Millionaires live outside the comfort zone.

Eh. That's a hard one for me. I'm comfortable in my comfort zone.

When I quit school it was to take care of my children. I felt like they were running amok and floating adrift. I decided the thing I needed to focus on in my life was my children and our relationship. This was surprisingly uncomfortable for me. I'm not good at relationships. It doesn't matter that they are my children. Talking about feelings is hard. Fighting and arguing and working things out is hard. Showing an interest in a subject you don't care about is hard. Dealing with other people's emotions is really really hard. I'm doing it. Some days are harder than others. Some days I'm too emotional to be rational. 

My oldest and I went paintballing for the first time last week. It was scary. It was uncomfortable. It was amazing. As we were leaving the field in the middle of nowhere, I was so psyched! It was exhilarating! We conquered our fear and it was amazing! What should we do next? Bungee jumping? Skydiving? Getting out of my comfort zone rewarded me with the best high, and great memories of my son and I having fun together laughing and talking. That's worth more than a million dollars.

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy

I really loved this book. I think that’s probably one of the reasons I was so hard on Boys Adrift. I read Boys Adrift immediately after reading Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. They are very different books, and my expectations may have been a bit high.

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! had me at hello. I like the title and the tag line- "Loving your kid without losing your mind." How many times have I Googled "how to love your kid" thinking I was the worst mom in the world to even be asking such a thing? Answer: many many times. I relate to author Michael Bradley's flippant style of writing. It eases the tension of discussing difficult subjects. I tend to be sarcastic and flippant myself under stress. So, I could relate.

Bradley is a practicing therapist. I've been in therapy- a lot of therapy. My mom always enjoyed a good therapist, and I guess it’s genetic. I don't know if I've had more or less than the average person. My guess is more.

I’ve encountered two kinds of counselors.

The first kind totally gets me from the start. She knows exactly what's wrong with me, and how to guide me to my own solution. I've only had one that fits that description.

The second kind is the “that’s normal” therapist. I come to these people hoping they can fix whatever is terribly wrong in my life and all they can tell me is “that’s normal.” Well, if it’s so normal then why do I feel so crappy? Does everyone feel as crappy as me? They all look happy enough. I start to think going to this therapist is a waste of time if there’s nothing wrong with me, and I stop going.

In a weird way it kind of works. A lot of my “mental health” problems are due to bad thinking. I tend to catastrophize everything in my life. Having someone tell me it’s normal or just listening and not freaking out about what I think is a disaster is strangely comforting. Although at the time it feels like they’ve wasted my time and money.

In a way, that’s the main idea of this book. Don’t freak out on your teenager. Keep calm in the face of crazy and the crazy will dissipate.

If you haven’t guessed it by now Bradley’s therapy style is the latter. I felt awesomely normal after reading his book, incredibly okay. It was like this book was written for me.

I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore.

My best friends don’t have kids at all. My good friends are older women who beat their children when they were younger. Bradley addresses this change in society’s norms. “We took away a primary parenting tool (hitting) and then told parents to raise their kids in a crazy out-of-control world.” He compares it to telling soldiers overseas to continue keeping the peace, but taking away their guns.

I’ve never been a fan of corporal punishment. I just don’t have it in me. Seeing my brother whipped as a toddler ruined that whole thing for me. It’s true that American society has turned away from spanking children, but left parents unequipped and unskilled as to what to do instead. This book offers the why and the how parenting is different today. He gives practical advice on how to parent today’s teen. I was surprised it was published over ten years ago. Unlike some of the parenting books I’ve read that talk about CD-ROMs and the like, I never felt this book was out of date. And while he repeatedly states that teenagers are crazy, he also points out warning signs of real mental illness, helping parents distinguish between the normal crazy and get-help-immediately crazy.

This is a book I will be coming back to again and again.

Boys Adrift

So, I just finished this book. 

Man am I depressed. 

The whole thing was a big bummer. I had this impression that Dr. Sax would spend the first half of the book explaining "the five factors driving the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men" to me and then in the second half of the book he would GIVE ME THE SOLUTION! Nope.

He even ends the book with "I'm encouraged. We don't have all the answers. Far from it. But I think we're at least asking the right questions." (218)

Well, I'm glad you're encouraged, Dr. Sax. I want to go eat a pint of ice cream.

My basic takeaways from this book were as follows:

Problem One- the schools

Get your son into an all-boys school if you want them to do well academically. Great idea! I can see the appeal of having my son free from the distraction of girls and being around boys that value all kinds of subjects and not just the “boy” subjects. I like the idea of having more competition in school. My son likes to win, and I’ve never been a fan of participation medals. You’ve convinced me. I’m in! There is a local Jesuit High School near my home that has a boys division and a girls division so the sexes learn separately. But wait- it’s $14,625 a year! How am I going to afford that? At least I’m asking the right question.

Problem Two- Video Games

My son is persistent when he really wants something. He’s worn me down in this arena. Actually I’m not even in the arena any more. I’m in line at the concession stand for more Dippin’ Dots. He slowly wore down my resolve on the “M for Mature” games. “I’m not stupid, Mom. I know it’s not real.” Oh, ok. What’s the harm then? Well the biggest harm according to Dr. Sax is that video games give boys a false sense of accomplishment. He gets to be a millionaire in Grand Theft Auto with no years of going to boring school or getting a boring job. That sounds great to me, too! (That reminds me I need to buy some more lottery tickets. I was SO close last time. Practice makes perfect!)

Okay you’ve convinced me again Dr. Sax. My son should not waste away his days on video games. So, what should I offer as a substitute? Skeet shooting? I remember him saying something about skeet shooting. At least now I’m asking the right question. (And actually no sarcasm on that point. This part really did challenge me to think of alternative- maybe even OUTDOOR activities to offer my son in place of video games. The problem here for me is video games are relatively cheap. Signing up for sports ain’t. Video games also provide him a way to socialize. His friends are all video game kids, too. Getting kids to show up for a pickup game at the neighborhood park is a lot more challenging than inviting them to an X-box party. But I also love a good challenge.)

Problem Three – ADHD Medications

This was another bummer for me because we already tried medication when he started middle school (Mommy mistake number 5,687,693). I’m now 0 for 3 with this book. The ADHD period was awful. I remember him crying and asking me why I thought there was something wrong with him. My perfect baby boy thought I saw him as damaged and something that needed fixing. In the end the medicine stopped working and the doctors said to get him in to counseling. I agree with Dr. Sax on this point- If your son hasn’t shown signs of ADHD by age 7 then it’s not ADHD. It’s something else. What is it exactly? I don’t know, but at least we’re asking the right question.

Problem Four – Endocrine disruptors

This was the most depressing part of this whole book. There are environmental factors at play that are disrupting your son’s sperm count. Don’t let your boys drink out of plastic bottles because it makes them more feminine. I already did! It’s already happened! How much is that going to affect my kids and the rest of their lives? I don’t know, but at least I’m asking the right questions. (FREE PVC! No, wait. X that and reverse it.)

Problem Five – Something about gods. Basically men teach men how to be men.

So, I have two big problems with this. 1- I’m not a man. So, I can’t teach my sons how to be men. I know that. I’ve always known that. It frustrates me to no end for reason number 2- A good man is hard to find. Dr. Sax has spent this whole book talking about how men have quietly vanished from American society and how they have been replaced with boy-men. Somehow though, against all odds I’m supposed to find a good one and entrust my son’s impressionable brain and idea of what it means to be a man to this person. Where are all these real men who take time from their own lives to mentor father-less (or father-lite) boys?

Uhhhhhhhhggggg! SO many questions! SO few answers! Why did Dr. Sax do this to me?! I appreciate the questions. I do. I will be doing a many a Google search to find some answers that will work with my family specifically.

This blog post is a little longer than I usually prefer. But if I can save one person the doom and gloom reading this whole book (seriously, this all you need to know and in less than 1000 words) then my work here is done.