Loneliness is Just the Start

"You seem embarrassed by loneliness, 

by being alone. 

It's only a place to start."

I was home alone watching the 1995 version of Sabrina when one of the characters quietly spoke this line. I stopped the movie, rewound it, and wrote down the quote word for word. 

I mentioned in my post Making Mommy Friends that I was a member of several friend finding websites. I described it as embarrassing and shameful and sad. I still feel that way sometimes. And sometimes I am proud of myself for admitting I'm unhappy with something in my life and working to make it better.

I just read Frientimacy by Shasta Nelson. She's the lady that started the GFC website. I really loved the book. I was excited to write this post when I'd only finished 25% of it. I recommend the book for anyone wondering why they still feel so alone even though they know a bunch of people, or have a bunch of friends.

Shasta says in her book,

". . . the sensation of loneliness is simply information that you are ready to feel more connected to others."

In other words, "It's only a place to start."

I've been lonely off and on my whole life. It really seems like the feeling has grown in the last few years. And the last few years of my life have been the best years of my life. I truly agree that the sensation of loneliness that's been escalating for me the past few years is an indicator light letting me know I'm ready to feel more connected to others. I've grown enough to let more people into my heart. I'm at least satisfied with myself as a person that I can say I'd like to be a good friend.

Shasta reminds me of those counselors I mentioned when talking about Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. She points out things we can do to ruin a baby friendship. Things I've done. Things I've experienced other people doing. Things that completely turned me off to that person and I thought I was crazy or being too picky. She is like that counselor that lets me know, "Hey! That's normal." It's neat to know where problems can crop up and why. Now that I know why I respond to some things one way and I can choose to respond a different way.

I felt empowered while reading this book, and then slightly let down when I finished. Despite the chapter called "Obstacle to Intimacy #1: Doubting Our Self-Worth Or: The Fear We're Not Good Enough" I walked away from this book feeling . . . well, feeling I wasn't good enough. Making friends, and keeping friends, and deepening friendships is HARD WORK. I don't know if I'm up to it. 

I love learning and growing. A big part of that process is discovering areas I'm lacking. I know that and it's getting easier the more I learn. But it's still a cold bucket of water to the face. 

I've started reading "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone. I've realized that pretty much every conversation is difficult for me, every conversation of substance. I can't increase my level of "frientimacy" without some honest intimate conversations.

I press on toward the goal . . .

How Much Am I Willing to Pay for Friendship

I'm trying to make new friends. I've mentioned this before in my post Making Mommy Friends. I've met a nice group of women from one of those sites actually. It has been nice to have the girl-time. Especially since I live with so many males.

The Girlfriendcircles site, or the GFC, has a friendship blog that gets delivered to my inbox. I've enjoyed a couple of them. That's enough to keep me as a subscriber . . . for now.

This post How Much Do You Really Want Good Friends is one that caught my attention. I didn't even read the whole thing and it got me thinking. This making friendships thing is hard. Getting to know new people is a lot of work. Active listening and showing interest in things that have never interested me before requires a lot of concentration. 

How much am I willing to pay for friendship?

It costs my time. It costs my energy. It costs my comfort. 

How much do I really want this?

There have been times where I thought, "This is just too much. I don't want to do all this. This should be easier." 

Shasta's blog referenced another blog by Mark Manson called The Most Important Question of Your Life. Again I just skimmed this article (who has time to read a WHOLE blog post? Although as the author of this one I can only hope you read every word of mine.) The main idea is the question is "What pain do you want to sustain?" This extends past the idea of what we're willing to sacrifce for friendship but also for life.

It reminds me of some religious Christian book I read years ago about how as humans we must be a slave to something. You are either a slave to your toothbrush or a slave to cavities. You're a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. Manson uses the example of wanting to be a rock star but not wanting to do the work. He sums it up by saying:

But the truth is far less interesting than that: I thought I wanted something, but it turns out I didn’t. End of story.I wanted the reward and not the struggle. I wanted the result and not the process. I was in love not with the fight but only the victory. And life doesn’t work that way. 

This completely makes sense to me. In the past I've been pretty hard on myself for quitting or failing to do something. I wanted it so bad, but I didn't follow it through to the end. I didn't complete it. It turns out it was only something I thought I wanted, but I didn't. End of story. On to the next thing. 

His last quote also reminds me of my grandmother, Anne Braden. She spent her whole life fighting for human rights. I believe she wanted the result- equality for everyone, but she probably realized it wouldn't happen in her lifetime. She wouldn't live to see it but that didn't stop her. She loved the fight. She lived for the struggle.

How much and for how long am I willing to suffer for what I want? It is a question that really makes me think. It makes me whittle down my wants and sift my priorities. 

I want my life to be filled with happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. I think that's more important than what I do for a living or how much I make. I'm willing to pay in time, tears, and training.  

Making Mommy Friends

I have a bad habit of holding grudges. I know this already. Don’t judge me.

When I was a kid my pastor accused my mom of being a prostitute. I haven’t cared for the church since.

When I was a new mom I had a few bad experiences with other more experienced moms. This one lady I considered a friend came to my housewarming party. “It’s really clean. I’m surprised.” 

This other woman on a women’s retreat with the church told me maybe I wouldn’t have stretch marks if I lost my baby weight. I had lost my baby weight. Thanks, lady.

I remember sitting silently at Jason’s Deli with a group of women I had hoped would become bosom buddies. They were all commiserating about how hard it was for them to get pregnant. One of the ladies failed at fertility and adopted a baby from some country in Asia, and was complaining about the whole thing. I felt guilt. I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant. Sucks for me. Sucks for them. I kept my mouth shut.

The parents at my kids’ elementary school were all weird, too. The dad who casually informed me one cold morning that it was a little chilly for his willy immediately comes to mind. 

I just never seemed to find anyone I had something in common with. I had my first son when I was 19. Where were all these teenage moms you hear about all the time? All the moms at my kids’ school were old. And they were all stay at home moms who knit. I was working a graveyard shift and going through a divorce and bankruptcy.

Now that I think about it- maybe all the moms my age where never at any school functions where we could meet and become best friends forever because they were working and divorcing and bankrupting.

Long story short- I’m lonely now. I miss having friends. I’m trying to actively meet new friends. I’ve even joined a few websites to meet other women looking for friendship.

  

Yes. The sites are real.

On the one hand it’s kind of embarrassing and shameful. On the other hand it’s kind of brave and strong and I’m doing something about my loneliness instead of just complaining about it. On the other hand it’s kind of embarrassing and sad.

I’ve been using the internet in many ways to try to make friends. It mostly hasn’t panned out. One thing I’ve found is that a lot of the women looking for friends are “single- by choice” and “no kids- by choice.” Well no wonder you're lonely! Single by choice? I’ve had a boyfriend since I was 15. Yes, I’m one of those girls that can’t stand to be alone. Choosing to be alone makes no sense to me- I can’t relate to that choice. No kids by choice? There’s never an option on these sites for “has kids- not by choice.” I joke, I joke. Kind of. I have kids and I'm confident they would hunt me down if I ever tried to leave. So, I really have no choice.  

It makes me think I’m the only mom in the world who has no friends. Once again I’m starting behind the eight ball. I should have made mommy friends when it was easier to do. There are a ton of play-groups for babies and toddlers who could probably care less who they are playing with. I can only assume it's an excuse for the moms to make friends. I can only assume because I never participated in such things because moms were weird to my young-20-something self. And now there is so such thing as a mom-of-13-year-old play group. 

Making friends as a grown-up is hard enough. It's even harder when it seems like everyone looking for a friend is single by choice and childless by choice. I won't give up the search though. 

Single mom of two adolescent boys seeks mom with similar interests who likes to drink, doesn't actually have time for interests or hobbies or friends but still wants hobbies and interests and friends, and who is a crappy mom. I don't mean like really crappy but maybe like a 7 on a scale of 10. Perfect moms and meth-head moms need not apply.