Loneliness is Just the Start

"You seem embarrassed by loneliness, 

by being alone. 

It's only a place to start."

I was home alone watching the 1995 version of Sabrina when one of the characters quietly spoke this line. I stopped the movie, rewound it, and wrote down the quote word for word. 

I mentioned in my post Making Mommy Friends that I was a member of several friend finding websites. I described it as embarrassing and shameful and sad. I still feel that way sometimes. And sometimes I am proud of myself for admitting I'm unhappy with something in my life and working to make it better.

I just read Frientimacy by Shasta Nelson. She's the lady that started the GFC website. I really loved the book. I was excited to write this post when I'd only finished 25% of it. I recommend the book for anyone wondering why they still feel so alone even though they know a bunch of people, or have a bunch of friends.

Shasta says in her book,

". . . the sensation of loneliness is simply information that you are ready to feel more connected to others."

In other words, "It's only a place to start."

I've been lonely off and on my whole life. It really seems like the feeling has grown in the last few years. And the last few years of my life have been the best years of my life. I truly agree that the sensation of loneliness that's been escalating for me the past few years is an indicator light letting me know I'm ready to feel more connected to others. I've grown enough to let more people into my heart. I'm at least satisfied with myself as a person that I can say I'd like to be a good friend.

Shasta reminds me of those counselors I mentioned when talking about Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. She points out things we can do to ruin a baby friendship. Things I've done. Things I've experienced other people doing. Things that completely turned me off to that person and I thought I was crazy or being too picky. She is like that counselor that lets me know, "Hey! That's normal." It's neat to know where problems can crop up and why. Now that I know why I respond to some things one way and I can choose to respond a different way.

I felt empowered while reading this book, and then slightly let down when I finished. Despite the chapter called "Obstacle to Intimacy #1: Doubting Our Self-Worth Or: The Fear We're Not Good Enough" I walked away from this book feeling . . . well, feeling I wasn't good enough. Making friends, and keeping friends, and deepening friendships is HARD WORK. I don't know if I'm up to it. 

I love learning and growing. A big part of that process is discovering areas I'm lacking. I know that and it's getting easier the more I learn. But it's still a cold bucket of water to the face. 

I've started reading "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone. I've realized that pretty much every conversation is difficult for me, every conversation of substance. I can't increase my level of "frientimacy" without some honest intimate conversations.

I press on toward the goal . . .