The Negotiator

I’ve read a lot of parenting books. The new and better way in dealing with conflicts with your kids is negotiating. I wish I had known that sooner.

When my kids were little they were born negotiators. I vividly remember telling my oldest to do something and he replied, “How ‘bout dis?” like a little car salesman trying to close a deal. I was so appalled and angry! How dare he try to negotiate with me! Doesn’t he know who I am?! When I say jump- he should jump! Little did I know, this was a skill we would both need to know how to master as he got older.

It’s all about keeping the end goal in mind. How do I want him to interact with other humans when he’s an adult? I want him to negotiate. I want him to compromise. I want him to speak up for himself when he needs something, and respectfully listen when other people need something from him. I want him to be able to compromise with others while also making sure his needs are met. I don’t want him to cower before someone more powerful, become a martyr or victim in life. I don’t want him to be a bully, always expecting to get his way.

I never learned this negotiation skill myself. So now I’m learning what I’m trying to teach. It’s the blind leading the blind over here. And my kids seem to have lost their will to negotiate. My theory is they already have everything they want so they have no need to negotiate.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ambp8_locked-in-the-bathroom-from-the-negotiator-1998_shortfilms

Remember this scene from The Negotiator? I love how Kevin Spacey’s character describes his own inadequacy in negotiating with his daughter and wife when this is what he does for a living. It is harder to deal with your loved ones than with other people. You’re invested. You’re emotionally involved. It’s hard to remain objective when you’re so close. As a negotiator he’s been trained to deal with people being difficult in difficult situations.

As a psychiatrist, Michael Bradley is trained to deal with teenagers but often recalls in his book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! problems he had dealing with his own teenager at home. That was another reason I enjoyed that book so much. He was so open about his own shortcomings. It made me feel better, as an amateur, to know a professional in child psychology was struggling. He also brings up the fact that when parents talk to children there is all this old baggage and scars from old fights. When there is a power struggle between two people it is harder to come to an agreement.

You live and you learn. I wish I had negotiated more with my kids when they were little. I also wish I had made them do more then they were little. Back then "Because I said so!" may have worked more often. It works a lot less when your kid is bigger and stronger and maybe even smarter than you. Back then I could've built more routines and expectations in their little heads so that now it would just be the way things are- it would be routine. 

Oh well. Shoulda coulda woulda. We are here in Adolescentland now. I remember my oldest saying to me a few years ago, "You keep trying to change things! I don't want to change, and I'm not going to!" I get it, kid. Change is hard. Change takes time. Doing things a new way is awkward and uncomfortable. I press on and believe all the pain and discomfort will be worth it in the end.