You have to listen to kids?!

She's 5, 5 years old, you know what that means? Nothing that she says, matters. She’s never said something actually important in her entire life. I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said, and nothing would be different!

Louis C.K.

I remember seeing this stand up for the first time. I laughed so hard! I feel a little guilty now about how hard and how long I laughed. It was SO true! I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t the only one completely bored by my kids’ incessant yammering. Who cares?! Sometimes I would give them the “Uh-huh” or “that’s great” but most of the time I would go on with my life like I hadn’t heard a thing they said, because most of the time I hadn’t!

Let’s face it- kids are boring. I was bored in the baby phase. I mean babies are cute and all, but they don’t do much. They just lie there. I remember entertaining myself by putting the baby on the coffee table. “Look! A baby on a coffee table!” He couldn’t roll over yet so he’d just lie there. It was fun for about a minute. Babies are boring. 

Then comes the kid phase, and everything is new and different. Sure they are simple creatures. They like this. They don’t like that. There’s usually not much going on below the surface. But at least it’s different than the boring baby phase. It’s a nice change of pace, right? Yeah, but then that gets boring. Yes, you’ve told me that story at least six times. Yes, I know your favorite color is blue. Yes, I saw that episode of Spongebob. You don’t need to tell me the whole plot in excruciating detail.  

Then comes adolescence. Do you have adolescents yet? I do. And let me give you some free advice- listen to your kids now while they are in over-sharing overly-chatty Kidland and before they are big grumpy closed-lipped teenagers. I’ve made a lot of mommy mistakes. Not listening to my kids is the biggest one.

When you listen- really listen- to kids it makes them feel like they matter. It makes them feel loved. When you listen- really listen- to all their rambling about nothing and everything- they feel like you could listen- really listen- to their thoughts on big important subjects too.

Children start off small. (duh) They have small thoughts. Every once in a while they will have a thought that makes a big adult think. But those moments are rare enough to warrant shows like “Kids say the darnest things.” Those moments are few and far between. My free advice to you is to listen- really listen- to all those moments.

That five year old will be fifteen before you know it. If you keep the lines of communication open, maybe that fifteen year old will tell you about her first crush and first kiss and first whatever important thing in her life. But you have to listen- really listen- to all the pointless, mind-numbingly boring stuff before that.

I didn’t. And it’s hard to get a passport into Adolescent World now. The application and acceptance process is a lot more intense. I made it a lot harder on myself because I didn’t have the foresight to think “Yeah, this stuff doesn’t matter to me now, but one day it will. I better start earning those relationship points now so I can cash in later.” And maybe the most important thing I could have realized back then is “No, this doesn’t matter to me, and makes no difference in my life whatsoever. But this is important to him. And he’s important to me.”

The great thing about children is this- they really love their parents. Even if they don’t show it- it’s true. No matter how fucked up we are as people and how much pain we inflict in their lives- they really love us. My kids are always giving me 2^nd and 3^rd and 4^th chances. I’m channeling Frasier Crane these days. “I’m listening.”