Dummy-dummy Daddy

I coined the phrase (I think) of “dummy-dummy.” I was talking to my kids about their dad and it popped out of my mouth.

We had to take co-parenting classes as part of our divorce. I thought it was great. I thought it would be incredibly helpful. I still think it helped me a lot. I don’t think it improved him at all.

I learned in class, and in my reading of multiple self-help books, how damaging it can be for children to have their parents talk shit about each other. I admit I failed on multiple occasions at the beginning, but I finally came around . . . mostly.

The truth is my kids still love their dad. I long for the day when they realize what a loser he is, but it just makes me look bad to point it out. Right? They are smart boys. They will figure it out eventually.

So, dummy-dummy is the closest I’ve come to using all the expletives I would like to use to describe their father. It has a cutesy sound to it. And I believe my kids instinctively know how much I hate their father and how ignorant I think he is without me having to say anything at all. And any time I do say anything derogatory about him, my boys will defend him to the death. They love their video game playing ambition-less boy-man dad.

The other day he came to my house and had the nerve to scold me for allowing our 13 year old black son to buy an air soft gun.

“How could you let a young black man buy a fake gun? Do you want him to get shot by the police?”

“Don’t judge me.” I said. “Being a single mom is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”

He became indignant at my reply, and decided to lash out at me and my boyfriend who lives with me. “Oh you’re a single mom, right? I guess I should go tell your roommate goodbye then. Since that’s all he is, just your roommate, and you’re raising these children by yourself.”  

Whaaa?!

What does my live-in boyfriend have to do with me being a single mom? Why would you even mention him and not get upset with the fact that I basically just said YOU were worthless? What a dummy-dummy.

I feel like I’m the only one raising these boys. I’ve known moms that do the 4 days on 3 days off this week and 3 days on 4 days off next week thing with their ex-husbands. (Ok, so I’ve only known one mom that does that.) Maybe that works out to more of a 50/50. I don’t know. But for me, in my situation, I’m the only one raising my children. Their dad is a fun distraction on the weekends, some weekends. My boyfriend is around for my pleasure and not involved in the childrearing. And as frustrating as that part is for me, from everything I’ve read in my beloved self-help books- that’s the way it’s supposed to be. The step parent’s job is to support their mate, and not to raise the kids.

To make matters worse, I wouldn’t want my ex-husband to have any say in how my children are raised. He’s a big man-child himself. I don’t want that life for my boys. I want something better than video games and weed.

If you want something done, then do it yourself. Yeah it’s hard, and I feel I have every right to complain. But if I don’t do it then who will? The alternatives are dismal at best. More than half the time I feel like a failure. But I have to believe that I’m at least better than their dummy-dummy father.