A trip to the past

When I was expecting my first son his father came with me to every single doctor’s appointment. When I was expecting our second son he did not come to one appointment. Not one. I told him I didn’t want him in the room when our son came into the world since he couldn’t be bothered to come to any of the appointments before he was born. He shrugged and abided by my vindictive wishes.

What happened between boy one and boy two? Did he simply get bored? Was it like watching a WWE rerun? “I’ve already see this one. I know how it ends.”

It hurt my feelings. What could possibly be more important in your life than seeing the first ultrasound, the first picture of your son? How will you treat him after he’s born? And I guess I’m not very important to you if you can’t go to lend me support.

Another memory that bubbled to the surface as I was thinking about all this stuff. When he did come to the appointments for our first son he would be sleepy, look bored, distracted, high, or smelly. I felt like I was forcing him to be there. Maybe with the second one I was tired of nagging him to go to our appointments. Maybe by then I had already started to give up.

I was still a young mom. I was 22 and having my second kid. I was scared. I was alone. I was angry he made me feel scared and alone. I began to resent him for not helping me. I started hating him for making my life harder. I figured it would be easier if he wasn’t around at all.

In some ways I was right. I imagine it’s like living alone. I’ve never lived by myself. But I imagine when you live alone there is no one to blame for the clutter on the coffee table or the dishes in the sink. Being a single mom is hard, but when have dysfunctions in our household there is no one to blame but myself. There is none of the “I asked dad and he said…” But there is also no one to tag when I feel like tapping out. It’s difficult. Living with someone I resented, even hated sometimes, was difficult too, and emotionally draining.

I asked their father about all this OBGYN appointment business yesterday. Memories can be faulty and it was over ten years ago.

It makes me sad and tired. The way I remember our whole marriage is that I made more money than he ever did. We could have afforded a few missed shifts at Fuddruckers. And he did ask how they went. 

I can let it go now.