The Power of a Mother's Love Inspirational Video

I found this on stumbleupon.com (a really distracting website when you're bored). I think I just needed to see this today. Yay, Monday.

Motivate Your Son

So, I finished this little book in about a day.

I paid $2.10 for it. I got my money’s worth. I guess.

The parenting books I’ve read lately all have a similar theme. That makes sense when I think about it. At some point I read a book that was very different from the Christian based be-God-in-your-house type books and I fell in love with the ideas that were so different from what I’d always heard, and so I sought out books that there similar in nature.

The general idea is to allow your child to make as many decisions himself as you can. Your job as a parent is one of mentor or coach. You give your opinions, provide support, and give your guidance. You do all this while avoiding all the roadblocks to communication and building a good relationship between parent and child. You are trying to mold your child into an honest to God good person. You want your child to do the right thing when no one is watching. You want him to do well because he is internally motivated to do well.

I’ve found it’s extremely hard to motivate my oldest son. I know I keep trying the same old things and they are not working. I thought this book sounded like exactly what I needed. New ideas to try.

I know I like to write these book reviews. I don’t know if it’s actually so much of a review as a way to record my thoughts on all these books I read and sort out my thoughts and feelings on what I’ve learned. And then maybe one day success stories on what actually worked. 

I usually read a few reviews before a buy a new book. One of the reviews I read for this book bashed it for seeming to promote Daryle Capuano’s program The Learning Consultants. I admit I was a bit tainted by that review. He does talk about his business A LOT. I couldn’t help but feeling that he was holding back information. I got the feeling that if I somehow paid for an expensive program I would get the whole picture. But in his defense The Learning Consultants logo is right there on the front cover. I don’t think he’s hiding his agenda. And his website does offer free advice. 

That being said Motivate Your Son earned a lot of highlighting. There are a lot of little nuggets of viable sounding ideas, and simple truths. Truth: Our schools are failing our boys. Lightbulb moment for me: I am the Chief Education Officer for my kids. (Oh, great! Another title to add to my collection)

He puts boys into different generic categories. I think my oldest boy is an Adventure Boy- he doesn’t want to do anything that is boring, or a Boss Boy- he doesn’t want to do anything he’s told to do. (This was another reason I finished this book so quickly. I skipped the chapters that were obviously not my boys.) 

From what I gathered, the solution is to motivate boys with a vision of the future they will actually enjoy. Delayed gratification. It’s hard for everyone, I think. Some people find it easier to wait than others.

I’m glad I started writing down my thoughts on all these books I’ve been reading. Immediately after reading some of these books I get discouraged. “That book didn’t have THE answer.” But actually having to write out what I learned from the book makes me think. I know there isn’t actually a ONE answer out there. All kids, all people, are different. I have to find what will work with our individual family, and my individual kids. Even the books I’ve read that I immediately felt were a waste of time have taught me something. Sometimes that means what NOT to do, but it has all been worth my time.

Another thing this book led me to was the Enneagram test. I had never heard of it before. Here’s a free version if you want to try it:

http://similarminds.com/test.html

I wasn’t shocked to find that I scored “very unhealthy.”

If I’ve learned anything from all my parenting books it’s

1)   You have to change yourself if you want to change your kid
2)   Unhealthy parents teach unhealthy habits
3)   Raising children means raising myself

That all sounds like a post for another time.

The Negotiator

I’ve read a lot of parenting books. The new and better way in dealing with conflicts with your kids is negotiating. I wish I had known that sooner.

When my kids were little they were born negotiators. I vividly remember telling my oldest to do something and he replied, “How ‘bout dis?” like a little car salesman trying to close a deal. I was so appalled and angry! How dare he try to negotiate with me! Doesn’t he know who I am?! When I say jump- he should jump! Little did I know, this was a skill we would both need to know how to master as he got older.

It’s all about keeping the end goal in mind. How do I want him to interact with other humans when he’s an adult? I want him to negotiate. I want him to compromise. I want him to speak up for himself when he needs something, and respectfully listen when other people need something from him. I want him to be able to compromise with others while also making sure his needs are met. I don’t want him to cower before someone more powerful, become a martyr or victim in life. I don’t want him to be a bully, always expecting to get his way.

I never learned this negotiation skill myself. So now I’m learning what I’m trying to teach. It’s the blind leading the blind over here. And my kids seem to have lost their will to negotiate. My theory is they already have everything they want so they have no need to negotiate.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ambp8_locked-in-the-bathroom-from-the-negotiator-1998_shortfilms

Remember this scene from The Negotiator? I love how Kevin Spacey’s character describes his own inadequacy in negotiating with his daughter and wife when this is what he does for a living. It is harder to deal with your loved ones than with other people. You’re invested. You’re emotionally involved. It’s hard to remain objective when you’re so close. As a negotiator he’s been trained to deal with people being difficult in difficult situations.

As a psychiatrist, Michael Bradley is trained to deal with teenagers but often recalls in his book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! problems he had dealing with his own teenager at home. That was another reason I enjoyed that book so much. He was so open about his own shortcomings. It made me feel better, as an amateur, to know a professional in child psychology was struggling. He also brings up the fact that when parents talk to children there is all this old baggage and scars from old fights. When there is a power struggle between two people it is harder to come to an agreement.

You live and you learn. I wish I had negotiated more with my kids when they were little. I also wish I had made them do more then they were little. Back then "Because I said so!" may have worked more often. It works a lot less when your kid is bigger and stronger and maybe even smarter than you. Back then I could've built more routines and expectations in their little heads so that now it would just be the way things are- it would be routine. 

Oh well. Shoulda coulda woulda. We are here in Adolescentland now. I remember my oldest saying to me a few years ago, "You keep trying to change things! I don't want to change, and I'm not going to!" I get it, kid. Change is hard. Change takes time. Doing things a new way is awkward and uncomfortable. I press on and believe all the pain and discomfort will be worth it in the end.

X Ambassadors - Unsteady

Song lyrics can mean different things to different people. This song reminds me of my 13 year old son. Adolescence is a difficult time for everyone involved. 

Mama, come here
Approach, appear

This line really speaks to me because I feel in my heart that my son wants me to keep reaching out even when he keeps pulling away.

Daddy, I'm alone
'Cause this house don't feel like home

Our house sometimes becomes a battle ground of conflicting wants and needs. The tension is often palpable and we all start to wonder if our house will ever be happy again. 

If you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

I am reminded by these lines to never give up even when it's a fight. Parents who give up have kids that think they are not loved. I may not do everything right, or much of anything right sometimes, but I believe if I keep trying and not let him go, eventually he will see how much I love him.
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady

Teenagers are all a little unsteady. Some might even say teenagers are crazy. But if we hold on as parents WE become the stability they cannot provide for themselves. 

Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone

I miss my sweet angel of a son. I still catch glimpses every once in a while. I miss having an easy relationship. I miss the fun in all the strife. I hang to the belief that "This too shall pass." We will both get through this time period. And hopefully we will both grow and be better because of all the struggle.

Dad, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying

I feel like flying away 6 days out of the week! But I do keep trying. And I've come to the point where I'm trying new things instead of the same old things that have never worked in the past. I may not figure it out by the time he's an adult, but at least he has a little brother. I can be the perfect mom to him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjryf8zH_M

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy

I really loved this book. I think that’s probably one of the reasons I was so hard on Boys Adrift. I read Boys Adrift immediately after reading Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. They are very different books, and my expectations may have been a bit high.

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! had me at hello. I like the title and the tag line- "Loving your kid without losing your mind." How many times have I Googled "how to love your kid" thinking I was the worst mom in the world to even be asking such a thing? Answer: many many times. I relate to author Michael Bradley's flippant style of writing. It eases the tension of discussing difficult subjects. I tend to be sarcastic and flippant myself under stress. So, I could relate.

Bradley is a practicing therapist. I've been in therapy- a lot of therapy. My mom always enjoyed a good therapist, and I guess it’s genetic. I don't know if I've had more or less than the average person. My guess is more.

I’ve encountered two kinds of counselors.

The first kind totally gets me from the start. She knows exactly what's wrong with me, and how to guide me to my own solution. I've only had one that fits that description.

The second kind is the “that’s normal” therapist. I come to these people hoping they can fix whatever is terribly wrong in my life and all they can tell me is “that’s normal.” Well, if it’s so normal then why do I feel so crappy? Does everyone feel as crappy as me? They all look happy enough. I start to think going to this therapist is a waste of time if there’s nothing wrong with me, and I stop going.

In a weird way it kind of works. A lot of my “mental health” problems are due to bad thinking. I tend to catastrophize everything in my life. Having someone tell me it’s normal or just listening and not freaking out about what I think is a disaster is strangely comforting. Although at the time it feels like they’ve wasted my time and money.

In a way, that’s the main idea of this book. Don’t freak out on your teenager. Keep calm in the face of crazy and the crazy will dissipate.

If you haven’t guessed it by now Bradley’s therapy style is the latter. I felt awesomely normal after reading his book, incredibly okay. It was like this book was written for me.

I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore.

My best friends don’t have kids at all. My good friends are older women who beat their children when they were younger. Bradley addresses this change in society’s norms. “We took away a primary parenting tool (hitting) and then told parents to raise their kids in a crazy out-of-control world.” He compares it to telling soldiers overseas to continue keeping the peace, but taking away their guns.

I’ve never been a fan of corporal punishment. I just don’t have it in me. Seeing my brother whipped as a toddler ruined that whole thing for me. It’s true that American society has turned away from spanking children, but left parents unequipped and unskilled as to what to do instead. This book offers the why and the how parenting is different today. He gives practical advice on how to parent today’s teen. I was surprised it was published over ten years ago. Unlike some of the parenting books I’ve read that talk about CD-ROMs and the like, I never felt this book was out of date. And while he repeatedly states that teenagers are crazy, he also points out warning signs of real mental illness, helping parents distinguish between the normal crazy and get-help-immediately crazy.

This is a book I will be coming back to again and again.

Merry Mommyhood #1

My oldest son picked up this trophy for me from the school holiday shop as a present for Christmas. One day while I was cleaning my room I stumbled across it and showed it off to my youngest son. He was about 8 at the time.

"You're the World's Best Mom? . . . I'm surprised."

A trip to the past

When I was expecting my first son his father came with me to every single doctor’s appointment. When I was expecting our second son he did not come to one appointment. Not one. I told him I didn’t want him in the room when our son came into the world since he couldn’t be bothered to come to any of the appointments before he was born. He shrugged and abided by my vindictive wishes.

What happened between boy one and boy two? Did he simply get bored? Was it like watching a WWE rerun? “I’ve already see this one. I know how it ends.”

It hurt my feelings. What could possibly be more important in your life than seeing the first ultrasound, the first picture of your son? How will you treat him after he’s born? And I guess I’m not very important to you if you can’t go to lend me support.

Another memory that bubbled to the surface as I was thinking about all this stuff. When he did come to the appointments for our first son he would be sleepy, look bored, distracted, high, or smelly. I felt like I was forcing him to be there. Maybe with the second one I was tired of nagging him to go to our appointments. Maybe by then I had already started to give up.

I was still a young mom. I was 22 and having my second kid. I was scared. I was alone. I was angry he made me feel scared and alone. I began to resent him for not helping me. I started hating him for making my life harder. I figured it would be easier if he wasn’t around at all.

In some ways I was right. I imagine it’s like living alone. I’ve never lived by myself. But I imagine when you live alone there is no one to blame for the clutter on the coffee table or the dishes in the sink. Being a single mom is hard, but when have dysfunctions in our household there is no one to blame but myself. There is none of the “I asked dad and he said…” But there is also no one to tag when I feel like tapping out. It’s difficult. Living with someone I resented, even hated sometimes, was difficult too, and emotionally draining.

I asked their father about all this OBGYN appointment business yesterday. Memories can be faulty and it was over ten years ago.

It makes me sad and tired. The way I remember our whole marriage is that I made more money than he ever did. We could have afforded a few missed shifts at Fuddruckers. And he did ask how they went. 

I can let it go now.